The note

The note of Virginia Woolf to her husband:

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been."

I encountered this note while I was browsing the internet. When I read this,it made me think of how powerful love is. One can make sacrifices for the person one's love. Here I go again, the romantic me...Seriously, this note touched me. Virginia Woolf sacrificed her life since she knew that she would experience great depression again or let me say,mental illness and this would hinder her husband from doing what he loved most--writing for he would be bound to her.

Everybody wishes to find great love, fortunate for those who find it because not all of us will...

unlucky me...but..

Today is one of my unlucky days. At this moment, I'm furious about the thing that had happened to me an hour or so ago and maybe about myself for being so ninny. Right now, I want to holler until my throat will get hoarse. I want to break and smash something. I want to run for miles and be done until I feel the weigh on my limbs. Most of all, I want to be in a serene place where I can only hear birds tweeting, water flowing, grass dancing and wind touching my face. I want to lie down in a place where I'm just all alone.

I've never been late for almost 11 months, until now. I'm exasperated not just because it affected my incentive but the thought that I would be able to say to myself that I've never been tardy for a year is my ultimate goal...until now...I feel so demotivated and I even want to resign. I'm just too angry about myself. It makes me think if this is Karma or what...God is playing with me? I know that everything happens for a reason. Maybe he has a reason, maybe this is not meant for me. There are times even though how much you give effort to get something but if it not really given to you, if it is really not meant for you...then this will just turn into ashes. Right now, it's so hard for me to accept that I made this kind of mistake. It's hard for me to fathom that this is not for me. I've calculated and did everything but still this unfortunate event happened. With my attitude towards life, failure is not in my vocabulary. So long as I can avoid it, I'll do everything I can.

I know, I have to start accepting things....I know there is a good reason for this...I know that he has a better plan...I know everything will be better soon...I hope it will just come sooner...

10 things I hate about you....

Sunday..a stormy day...

There was a storm yesterday so there was nothing to do but to stay at home and do my own thing like sleeping, watching dvd and eating...

It was sometime last night when I browsed my dvd's because I wanted to watch an American movie...by the way, I just finished watching a Korean drama, Dalja's Spring..that was why..I wanted to hear something English...hehehe! While browsing, I found this movie--'Ten things I hate about you'. I stared at the copy of this movie and it took me awhile to decide that I'm going to watch it. I watched this movies,ages ago... I was in high school, I think...Anyway, this is one of my favorite movies.

When I started watching it, memories gushing into me...it brought me back to the time where I was high school and was so full of energy to discover the world. It was a little bit funny because the casts were so young then and it made me feel that this was such an old movie. Then it sinked in to me, Heath Ledger, one of the casts died months ago and in the movie he was brimming with life. He was gorgeous, he was smiling and he was just so great while acting his role. I couldn't believe that his life just ended that way. It made me feel a little bit blue and it made me realize that life is so short...Well, I like the story so I continued watching it...When I heard the songs that were played in the movie, I remembered that I loved their soundtrack. I even remembered the lyrics.I recalled the best part of the movie. It was when Kat, Julia Stiles, read the poem, 10 things I hate about you. Here it goes...

TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around,

and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

not even close…

not even a little bit…

not even at all.

This poem made me sigh years ago, then I read it again just now and it still makes me sigh....haaayyy...so sweet like candy..hahaha! I am such a hopeless romantic that sometimes it made me laugh...

Hanging out with the Angels...

Friday night....At weng's crib

It was Friday night. I had to meet the angels (Weng, Ayka and Nancy) at 11:00 PM in Globe Tower, my previous job's building. We decided to hang out together since we hadn't seen each other for a while and it would be Weng's last week as a single. Next week,Saturday, she will get married and I know that some things will change. Even though, I would have an exam the next day but for me that night...the get together was too precious. I didn't want to miss it. Anyway, Weng and I had dinner together while waiting for our friends, Ayka and Nancy, in one of our hang out places in Globe tower. After their arrival, we decided to go to Weng's condo since I have to study. KJ (Kill joy)...Friday night and I would have to study...grrrr....

the ANGELS..

The name ANGELS started when all of us worked in the same company years ago...It is vague for me why we became ANGELS. I think it was because of Chocok's our 'kuya' or elder brother in our office and we were called Chocok's Angels since we were always with him and he some kinda took care of us. Anyway, the angels are Ayka, Weng, Nancy, Grace and I...but last Friday night, unfortunately Grace was not with us since she was busy.

I present to you the angels who were with me last Friday. Even though Grace was not with us, still we had a wonderful time but it would have been better if she were with us...

This is AYKA...

Ayka is the eldest..hehehe! Well, she's the eldest but sometimes she seems to be the youngest. She's young at heart. She likes to watch cartoons and she likes to play computer games.

Friday night..She was dead tired because she has a part time job and she is a Team Leader--so much work for her..Her eyes were drooping when she talked to us..(giggle)

This is NANCY...

If Ayka is the eldest, this is our baby...She is the youngest in Angels and she has the most beautiful smile. We usually joke around that 'she is now a lady'. She improved a lot. She wears make up now and she dresses up like a young lady...(hahaha!)

Friday night...as usual, we teased her about being a 'lady' and we asked her if she has a love life already...I think she's the persona in NEVER BEEN KISSED!

Lastly, this is WENG...

Weng is going to tie the knot this Saturday with Akong, who just came back from the states for the ceremony. I'm so excited for her. She and I have almost the same personality. We are perfectionist, cranky at times (hahaha), opinionated and so on...well, we are virgos..

Friday night...We hanged out in her place. She rented a condo unit for the mean time since her condo is not yet ready. We talked about the things that she planned to do the next day since she was going to give a surprise lunch for her future hubby....She is so in love...and blooming..like a flower in spring.

***************************************

The night with the angels...

Now that you know the angels... I'm going to tell you what happened...this is it...I was a little bit nervous, I would have an exam next day and I hadn't studied yet. The worst things was, I was tired and I wanted to sleep. I took down notes but later on, my mind was nowhere to be found...So, I asked Nancy to study for me..Well, to take down notes for me so that I could read them on my way to my school. Well, she did it and I found the notes on the table when I woke up the next day. Isn't she so nice?

Let's go back to our night...we talked about our angst..as usual..We talked about the people around us, our job and again our angst...hatred...then we ended up praising and complimenting ourselves (nagbuhat ba ng bangko...) hahaha!

Weng, Ayka and Nancy...I took the picture using my phone..Thank God..The photo is good. It doesn't show their flaws..I mean eyebags....hahaha! They look well rested..

Weng, Ayka and I...I like our colors...Spring colors..pink, green and yellow..We joked around that we should wear these kind of colors since it would give us good photo.

Nancy and I...our get-together would not be complete without her...I would feel sad if she were not attend any of our gatherings...I like to piss her off and tease her...(hahaha!). She's like a younger sister to me.

**************************

To the angels,

I know that I've been so busy these past few months maybe a year now and I'm sorry that sometimes I don't have much time to spend with you. You are one of my treasures. ANGELS--coming into my life is one most precious things that happened into me..Though we don't spend much time together, I know that you will always be here for me. If there were things that I've done that upset you, then thank you for understanding...You know that I'll always be here for you.

Angels forever....even though time will come that we will have our own lives...

LOVE yah!

Krizz

P.S.

sounds so cheesy. It gives me goosebumps...

The Story of An Hour

"The Story of An Hour"
Kate Chopin (1894)

Knowing that Mrs. Mallard was afflicted with a heart trouble, great care was taken to break to her as gently as possible the news of her husband's death.
It was her sister Josephine who told her, in broken sentences; veiled hints that revealed in half concealing. Her husband's friend Richards was there, too, near her. It was he who had been in the newspaper office when intelligence of the railroad disaster was received, with Brently Mallard's name leading the list of "killed." He had only taken the time to assure himself of its truth by a second telegram, and had hastened to forestall any less careful, less tender friend in bearing the sad message.
She did not hear the story as many women have heard the same, with a paralyzed inability to accept its significance. She wept at once, with sudden, wild abandonment, in her sister's arms. When the storm of grief had spent itself she went away to her room alone. She would have no one follow her.
There stood, facing the open window, a comfortable, roomy armchair. Into this she sank, pressed down by a physical exhaustion that haunted her body and seemed to reach into her soul.
She could see in the open square before her house the tops of trees that were all aquiver with the new spring life. The delicious breath of rain was in the air. In the street below a peddler was crying his wares. The notes of a distant song which some one was singing reached her faintly, and countless sparrows were twittering in the eaves.
There were patches of blue sky showing here and there through the clouds that had met and piled one above the other in the west facing her window.
She sat with her head thrown back upon the cushion of the chair, quite motionless, except when a sob came up into her throat and shook her, as a child who has cried itself to sleep continues to sob in its dreams.
She was young, with a fair, calm face, whose lines bespoke repression and even a certain strength. But now there was a dull stare in her eyes, whose gaze was fixed away off yonder on one of those patches of blue sky. It was not a glance of reflection, but rather indicated a suspension of intelligent thought.
There was something coming to her and she was waiting for it, fearfully. What was it? She did not know; it was too subtle and elusive to name. But she felt it, creeping out of the sky, reaching toward her through the sounds, the scents, the color that filled the air.
Now her bosom rose and fell tumultuously. She was beginning to recognize this thing that was approaching to possess her, and she was striving to beat it back with her will--as powerless as her two white slender hands would have been. When she abandoned herself a little whispered word escaped her slightly parted lips. She said it over and over under hte breath: "free, free, free!" The vacant stare and the look of terror that had followed it went from her eyes. They stayed keen and bright. Her pulses beat fast, and the coursing blood warmed and relaxed every inch of her body.
She did not stop to ask if it were or were not a monstrous joy that held her. A clear and exalted perception enabled her to dismiss the suggestion as trivial. She knew that she would weep again when she saw the kind, tender hands folded in death; the face that had never looked save with love upon her, fixed and gray and dead. But she saw beyond that bitter moment a long procession of years to come that owuld belong to her absolutely. And she opened and spread her arms out to them in welcome.
There would be no one to live for during those coming years; she would live for herself. There would be no powerful will bending hers in that blind persistence with which men and women believe they ahve a right to impose a private will upon a fellow-creature. A kind intention or a cruel intention made the act seem no less a crime as she looked upon it in that brief moment of illumination.
And yet she had loved him--sometimes. Often she had not. What did it matter! What could love, the unsolved mystery, count for in the face of this possession of self-assertion which she suddenly recognized as the strongest impulse of her being!
"Free! Body and soul free!" she kept whispering.
Josephine was kneeling before the closed door with her lips to the keyhold, imploring for admission. "Louise, open the door! I beg; open the door--you will make yourself ill. What are you doing, Louise? For heaven's sake open the door."
"Go away. I am not making myself ill." No; she was drinking in a very elixir of life through that open window.
Her fancy was running riot along those days ahead of her. Spring days, and summer days, and all sorts of days that would be her own. She breathed a quick prayer that life might be long. It was only yesterday she had thought with a shudder that life might be long.
She arose at length and opened the door to her sister's importunities. There was a feverish triumph in her eyes, and she carried herself unwittingly like a goddess of Victory. She clasped her sister's waist, and together they descended the stairs. Richards stood waiting for them at the bottom.
Some one was opening the front door with a latchkey. It was Brently Mallard who entered, a little travel-stained, composedly carrying his grip-sack and umbrella. He had been far from the scene of the accident, and did not even know there had been one. He stood amazed at Josephine's piercing cry; at Richards' quick motion to screen him from the view of his wife.
When the doctors came they said she had died of heart disease--of the joy that kills.

*************

My professor, LDR, introduced this short story for our class in teaching methodology in reading and writing. When I read this short story of Kate Chopin, First, I thought this would be about the the character's grief and sorrow about her husband's death then when I was in the middle part of the story, I was shocked to find out that she was happy about what happened to her husband. Then, it made me think about the era where this story was written. Yes, at that time, women were oppressed and were no rights. That was the time when women were treated unfairly by the society. Oh~ I don't want to think about their struggles and their sentiments.
Anyway, when I read the next few sentences, I thought I would get a happy ending then she died. My reaction was--how sad. Then it sinked in to me that I would rather die than lose my sense of individuality.

To be continued...

The EMBASSY club

Saturday night...2:00 AM...Embassy club

Hours before 2:00AM

While I was in my school library, I received a text message from my college friend, Loleck. She asked me if we could meet together with her boyfriend, Jigz,which is my college friend also. I said YES since it had been a long time since we've seen each other eventhough we both live here in Metro.

After class...I had to meet Jigz at Rockwell (Powerplant). Actually, I didn't know how to commute. So, I decided to take a cab but one of my classmates and her hubby, who are Silliman Alumni, talked me out of it. Instead, I took the train. I thought, it would make me save money but instead I ended up buying a shirt since I was soaking wet with my sweat when I arrived at Rockwell. Anyway, I met Jigz and we ate Japanese food and planned to have coffee at Starbucks afterwards while waiting for Loleck. After dining in a Japanese restaurant, there was a change of plan. We went to Jigz's apartment and would drink beer instead while waiting for Loleck. Okay, that was fine with me. His apartment was cool. (hahaha!).

After an hour or so...Loleck arrived and she said that we should invite Jairus, our junior when we were in college. So we did. Then suddenly, there was a change of plan, we would go to the EMBASSY and I said NO because I'm not fit to go there. I'm just wearing jeans, shirt and sneakers. I looked like a school girl especially with my backpack full of photocopies and books. I thought, it was ridiculous.

Hanging out at Jigz apartment...Jairus arrived. The four of us, Jigz, loleck,Jairus and I drank some beer. It was fun. We listened to music and talked about our present life. Then suddenly, they said that we were going to the EMBASSY and this was for real. "OH NO!" I said. I told them that I would not go in that place wearing sneakers and I added that I was financially challenge. Well, it's true...I've been invited to go to Embassy for free but I didn't even said YES. What was I thinking when I said YES to them...

EMBASSY...the hottest place in town

My friends kept on inviting me to go to this place before but I didn't want to eventhough it was for free. But then this thing happened....It was around 2Am when we left the place. We went toEmbassy. It was cool. The place was cool and the people except 'me'. Hahaha! It was very funny. Everybody was dressed up for clubbing and I was wearing a "go to school" outfit. We went to the Techno/Trance club and RnB club. There were many people that we had to fall in line first. We saw some of our school friends, Sillimanians, and it was so shocking because of all places, we saw each other in Embassy. They were also lining up but then they got the VIP pass that they went directly to the RnB club before us. Good for them...When we were able to enter, the place was so crowded and chaotic but the music was cool. I really had a tremendous time. We danced, drunk some vodka and burned our lungs. We exited the club when it was about to close and then we planned to have coffee but we ended up going home since we could not find an opened coffee shop "Starbucks" unless if we would go to Makati (giggle) and would show our weary faces to the people there.

Sandy Roistan--All because you kissed me goodnight

All because you kissed me goodnight

I climbed the door, and opened the stairs,
Said my pajamas and put on my prayers,
Then turned off the bed and crawled into the light,
All because you kissed me goodnight.

Next morning, I woke and scrambled my shoes,
Polished my eggs and toasted the news,
I couldn't tell my left from my right,
All because you kissed me goodnight.

That evening at last, I felt normal again,
So I picked up my mother, and called up the phone,
I spoke to the puppy and threw dad a bone
Even at midnight, the sun was still bright,
All because you kissed me goodnight.

--Sandy Roistan

This is the poem that my professor let us read yesterday. It's hilarious. The way the author used the words caught my attention and impressed me because he went against the norms. When we discussed this poem and when my prof asked us about the theme, the style and so on... I realized that the speaker was a teenager and very much in love. When I read it again, it gave me joy and it brought back memories of the feeling in love. huh? As if...I've been in love...maybe I should say it gave me a glimpse of the feeling of being in love...laugh out loud!

The sad thing...I tried to look for Sandy Roistan's biography but I couldn't find anything. I don't even know if this poet is a man or a woman. The name Sandy can be a name of both. I hope I can find more poems written by this poet for I will surely love them too.

Hope you will enjoy this...Happy reading!

Company outing

Event: Company outing @ Splash Mountain, Laguna
When: June 6, 2008, Friday
Time: 7 am-5pm
Meeting place: Insular Life Bldg

THINGS TO DO (if bored):

Plan A: Read the chapters that my teacher assigned and go home after lunch
Plan B: Sightseeing and mingle with my officemates
Plan C: nothing

I woke up late though I slept for more than 10 hours, maybe it was 12 or 14 hours. Not sure about that...I was already rushing to our meeting place. I heard that we had to be there at 7:00 sharp and I was just on my way at that time. Thank God! I was not that late...I was able to hop in on the first bus. My friends were there already so got no problem with the seat. (Well, not all of my close friends in the office were in the outing so I was a little bit pissed...hahaha!)

At the bus

The trip would take 1 hour and 30 minutes...
When I was about to start reading my book when my friend, Shey, announced that she brought her PSP. Goodbye book, hello PSP. I played Ratatouille the whole travel time. It was a good game for me.

At Splash Mountain

We had games and prices. There were many things to do like to eat, to drink, to sit and to watch the people passing by or playing games. I did not join the games so I cheered instead. I did not plan to swim but my friends pushed me in the lazy river together with my stuffs (s**** and l******). I didn't have a choice but to try the slides and swim since I'm already wet. I had fun.

The prices and giveaways...

Our company gave out prices and giveaways like dvd, Starbucks gift certicates and Iphone...as for me, I got....(ssshhhhh)....

GOSSIP GIRL...Serena Van der Woodsen

Blake Lively as SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN

My favorite in Gossip Girl. I just love her. She's beautiful and fashionable. She's thoughtful and self-centered. She's hesitant and spontaneous. She's warmhearted and biatch. She supports her friends and dazzles the guys. She's the girl you will surely love and hate at the same time.

Motto: “There’s nothing wrong with keeping a secret if the truth will hurt someone.”

L E T H A R G I C

I can hear voices of my colleagues in different directions. They sound so alive as if it's not early in the morning. It's been days now that I suffer from lack of sleep. I don't think I have insomnia. Maybe my body clock is not yet adjusted to the morning shift sched. My sleeping time and eating time are in a mess. I hope one of these days; I can sleep for a whole day because right now I'm not feeling alright. My eyes are drooping and my head is aching. I'm groggy...zzzzz..

*****************

Last week was my first meeting with my professors. Urrrgghhh! The battle already began. Before my classmates and I left our classrooms, there were already many papers to submit for the next meeting. It seems like I'm regretting why I take 9 units this semester. With this feeling I'm having right now...lazy and sluggish...I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts and coming up with a paper worthy of reading and submitting. My days are ticking. I'm running out of time. I know I'll be cramming again this Friday and I hope that at this time I'll have better ideas for my papers or else I'll be exasperated as hell again...This kind of thing that I'm talking about always happened to me. Sometimes, it makes me wonder why I am pursuing my graduate studies. Am I this bored that I rather be baffled and frustrated than doing nothing at all?