Growing older

As we grow older, we always do the protecting but there are times that we also wish someone is protecting us even just for a moment.

As we grow older, responsibilities get bigger and there are times that we just want to soar freely.

As we grow older, people care less about us but there are times that what we need is someone who cares deeply to ease the pains in our hearts.

As we grow older, we always show our braves faces but there are times that we just want to sit in a corner and cry.

As we grow older, life becomes tougher but we have to go on for this is what life is all about--a cycle.

called a friend

Friends may be miles away but you never grow apart. Things will always be the same though some things already changed.


I can say that I got a handful of friends--some of them are not just my friends, they are my older sisters, younger sisters, my best friends and close friends. There is one thing that I know about these friends of mine, they are always here for me not just in celebrating but also in crying about life. 


A moment ago, I called a friend. A friend whom I rarely talk nowadays. Though she has different priorities now since she has a baby, a baby whom we love, but still she remains to be a friend whom I can rely on. This friend of mine is my former classmate, my mentor and my older sister.


A moment ago, I called this friend to ask about professional matters then out of the blue, we talked about the things going on with our lives. I summarized what I've been through these past months and so she was. We talked a little about the profession that we chose and about the struggles that we faced. As always, she gave me words of wisdom. It made me missed her so much. It made me think again on the  days when we had to pull each other up in order to withstand the challenges. Though it was a short call, it made me feel that I got a friend who would always support me no matter what.

In getting a job

I am confident that I have good qualifications. I have good educational background so I know that landing a job will not really be a problem to me. A week ago, I applied for a job abroad. I believe that the agency liked my resume but then when I was interviewed, the interviewer advised me to lose weight. I know that he didn't want me to get offended and maybe being slim was one of the qualifications of their client. I understand his point and I know that physical appearance plays a big role in landing for a good job but I cannot just fathom that it is such a big deal.I'm not applying to become an entertainer, performer or a model. I love the job that I applied for and I believe that I'm qualified with it except that I'm fat. I feel like I'm such a loser. Almost all my life I strive to be better than others in terms of education but it the end, everything seems useless. I really have to lose weight. I don't want this kind of incident to happen again. It's a big blow to me and it's like someone is telling me, "IN YOUR FACE". This is how fat I am------->>>>

it's been almost a year

I miss blogging. I miss writing down my thoughts. I miss a lot of things.

taking a new step

These past few days, I've been nostalgic. I even scanned all the pictures of my close friends in my computer. Duh! emo mode. The days that I spent alone in my apartment especially during afternoons made me feel a little bit lonely and made me wish that we would be sitting in one of our favorite coffee shops, sipping coffee and talking about anything under the sun.


Less than a month from now, I'll be leaving Manila. I don't know if I'll leave for good or temporarily. Who knows, I might be back in May.  This is the first time that I don't have a definite plan on what I'm going to do. The only thing that I'm sure of is I'm going to have one hell of a summer fun. I'm looking forward to start my summer but then a part of me a little bit hesitant because I know I'll miss Manila and the things it bring and of course, my friends.


It's not quite easy to say goodbye. It makes me a little bit emotional and it makes me feel that anytime soon my eyes will be filled with tears. I always have this feeling when it comes to my friends. Maybe because my life always evolves with them. I can sometimes say that I'm more attached to them than to my own family. Funny thing, right? I even figured out why. 

2009 is almost over

2009--not a best year for me. It's one of my most challenging years in life. I always think that once 2009 will be over my life will be better. I hope I'm right. Oh!I think I am. My intuition says so. Twenty-0-nine, the year that I don't mind saying goodbye. It's not that bad though. There are a lot of good things happened to me. Quite a lot if I'm going to think about it. I just recent the fact that this year I wasn't able to make decision freely because there were a lot of things to consider and I felt my hands were somewhat tied. This year is kind of a breaking point to me. I have had enough. What I want is to be free but then I have OBLIGATIONS. The thing that I'm not so fond of. Obligations and how to face it in an optimistic manner are part of growing up. Knowing that I don't handle obligations well and big responsibilities scare a hell out of me makes me say that there are a lot of things that I have to learn for the years to come.


Twenty-one days from now and twenty-0-nine will be over. I scanned my long-ago blog posts and I stumbled on my christmas wish lists and sort of New Year's resolution blogs. I found out that more than half of my list and resolution did not happen. Too bad, right?


One of the things that I remember writing is to travel. What the heck..I can't even go to Baguio or to a beach somewhere in Batangas. Oh! There's one thing--spend less and something like about having savings? So funny! I don't even have a single centavo in my account. Yeah, yeah, yeah..I get it. I was so busy these past few months. I could hardly breathe. I also had a lot of payables. Excuses? Well, it's a good thing that I stumbled on them just to make me realize how useless my list and resolution are. I guess I just have to include these things in my list/resolution/plan again for next year. BTW, so excited to make one.


At the end of the year, we always question our self, "Did I live my life or Did life simply pass me by?".

september

It's been a long time since I last blogged. It's now September and many things happened already.

1. my last term in theory ended a week ago

2. i already celebrated my birthday last week

3. my friends and I had pre-bday celebration last week

4. I went to my grandma's place last weekend since it has been months since I last went home.

Yes, many things happened already and I felt like I was in a rollercoaster ride. I fell for someone and I want to think that I'm not into him anymore. I realized there are things that are not meant to be but then I can say that it was a wonderful experience. Things happen for a reason.

Well, I also found friends---real friends. Friends who made me feel better when I'm down, who made me laugh when I'm sad, who listened to me when I whined. I'm thankful that I am blessed with friends. Friends who are always there for me.

summer is over...

Last Monday, it was officially our first day of class and summer finally ends. There were many things happened, to me and my friends.

Last summer...

• I found out that one of my friends is going to have a baby but then after a couple of weeks, bad news came. There would be no baby anymore since the "baby" didn't have a heartbeat. All of us feel so sad about what happened but then everything happens for a reason.
• I was so lazy. I didn't open my books or my laptop. In short, I didn't study. I told myself before summer that I have to start studying but then I ended up watching soap operas and tv series.
• I planned to go home to my grandmother's house but since I had so many commitments, I wasn't able to do it. Part of me is pissed off since I will have no time to go home after summer. For the next few months, I'm sure I will be stuck here in the city because of my hectic schedule.
• My sister and I fought. I'm a little bit guilty about the things I've said to her but then deep inside I know she deserves it. Guilty or not, I didn't regret what I did but it irritated me that I didn't handle it well. I should have handled the situation calmly. I still have so many things to learn when it comes to handling emotions.
• Many things happened in our office and most of them were not so pleasing. I don't want to think about those things because they give me mix emotions.

Summer is indeed over. I hope the next one will be better than this summer. More time to spend with my family, friends and myself.

year 2009

This year 2009 will be one of my most important years. If God permits, I will finish my studies and hopefully I will find a job abroad because I really want to travel and experience new culture. This year seems to be my turning point. I have to play my cards right. I have to plan and make the right decisions or else I will have a terrible year.

Last night, I wasn't able to sleep because my thoughts were wandering. I can't deny the fact that I'm scared because I know I have to make decisions that can change my life. There will be many changes that will happen soon and I hope I can cope with it. It scares the hell out of me because it's my call. Nobody has to make decisions for me and nobody has to take the responsibilities except me if I screw up. The things that keeps me going are knowing that if I will succeed, everything will be better and knowing that God will help me no matter what. He's the only one who can ease my worries and bring me happiness.

God, I really need your help.

ranting about my friends rants..

"Being an adult: TOTALLY overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by the hot shoes and great sex and no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Being an adult is responsibility. Responsibility really does suck. Really, REALLY sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands... Hello! Talk about responsibility! Kinda makes bikes and cookies look really really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility... When you skrew up and let it slip right through your fingers. Responsibility. It really does suck. Unfortunately once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. " --- meredith grey

I read my friend's blog [Grace] few minutes ago and I stumbled on this quote from Grey's anatomy--one of our favorite tv series. My friend is ranting about stuffs and so am I. Well, responsibility really sucks! I think, Grace and I feel the same way about things though she really has a lot of responsibilities compare to me but still they are responsibilities and sometimes I feel like they are choking me alive.

To Grace:

Beh, we really need a break. Good thing that we will have no work this Friday and Tuesday. Ayka invited me to go with them this coming Monday. They are going to have night swimming in Antipolo but I don't know if I'm going. I'm still thinking about it. Ayka told me to go out and have some good times but then I'm too lazy to do it. I think this is where some of my problems lie, laziness and so in love in hanging out in my apartment. So, what are you going to do this weekend? I just realized that I didn't really have plans for the next few days because I am so hook in watching BOYS BEFORE FLOWERS...waaahhh! Any plans for angels?

Krizz

To ANGELS: Aja! Chayo! FIGHTING!

random thoughts

The happiest people are the ones with a lot of options but then there are times that the options that we have are not what we truly want. So, we ended choosing the one that does not genuinely make us happy.

There are times in life that we have to accept what we can't and as we grow older there are more things that we can't have and more words that we can't say. As we grow older there are more times that we are alone and there are lesser people who take care of us. There are more unreasonable things that happen and all of these make us grow up. We have to for us to save our sanity.

wish

I wish I will feel better.
--I don't really know what's going on with me. I feel like I'm going to be depressed.

struggles

These past few days have been a little bit hard. The world's economy is not so good or shall I say getting bad that some companies closed already and many people didn't have a job anymore. Some of my friends are affected by the crisis that has been going on. Though I'm not really affected by this phenomenon but soon I think I will be. It makes me feel bad because most of them need their job badly because they have more responsibilities in life. I know problems come in our way so that we will become a better person and so that we will know our priorities in life. It also makes me think..what if I were them? I think if I would be in the same situation as them, I would take it as a blesing. I will be able to concentrate on my studies but then I will be broke. If I will be broke, I can still live but I really have to live as simple as I can. Maybe I will do some volunteer work since I have more time. I'm planning doing volunteer work as soon as I finish my studies. It's one of the things that I really want to do in this lifetime, to do somethign for others and maybe I can affect some of their lives. These past few days, I received a lot of bad news but then again I'm not directly involved in these news and then it further makes me realize how bless I am and it make me appreciate what I have. I have problems but my problems are the things that I have a control of. If I just worked harder, I don't think I will be facing these kind of things. I would not have failed in my evaluation and exam. I would have gotten better scores. It makes me feel disappointed. Though, I made efforts to have higher scores but then the reason I failed could be because I didn't give my best.

If I were to have a wish right now, I wish everything would be alright.

PETER PAN SYNDROME, do I have one?*******

blah..blah..blah..If anyone reads my blog sometimes they might say that I'm kinda mature person but I don't think so. I always complain and I'm scared to death to face responsibilities. Oh! I hate problems and I always want to be comfortable. I always want my life to be free of hassles. Sometimes, it makes me ask myself If I have Peter Pan syndrome. My mom once said that I have to know how to face my own problems maturely. It's just so hard to be a grown up. I know there are still so many issues going on in my head. I hope I know how to figure out each of them.

Here I go again..maybe I'm just thinking too much!

musing...

Last Wednesday, I got my braces. Now, I really look like Ugly Betty. I wear glasses and braces. I'm sure I look like a geeky person and I don't think many of us want to look like one. So, I will try my best to be diligent in putting on my contacts. Gosh! I'm too lazy to care for my appearance. hahaha! I don't want to put on my contacts early in the morning and I don't want to put on a little bit of make-up just to be presentable. I rather sleep than wake up early just to do these things every morning. Then it made me think, I really have to start caring.

BTW, this is my braces and its pink...hahaha!

***********

Speaking of CARE, I sometimes don't care and that's the truth. Even though many things is already happening around me, I usually have late reaction or there are times that I simply don't feel anything except when something bad happens to one of my closest friends but when it comes to myself, this kind of thing usually happens--not caring. Gosh! I think I'm a cold person. I don't exactly know when I started feeling this way. Maybe wayback when I was in high school, when I encountered several disappointments. I always don't expect something from someone or from anything that I do. I don't expect to excel and I don't expect to do things better than others 'cause I will just end up bitter and frustrated. Now, I realize that my life is a little bit chaotic since I don't really care much about it. I feel like I didn't do anything right these past few months and I'm dismayed. I thought everything will be alright but then I'm wrong. Either way, I will still feel disappointed--for myself or on the things surrounding me. Well, life is full of disappointments and it's part of growing up. It's just how we're going to handle the different situations that come along.

*********

The funny thing that makes me realize about these things are when my friends told me about their problems. Yesterday, I received text messages and online messages from my friends almost at the same time. They told me about their worries in life. One is worried about her performance in her office and her capabilities, two were worried about their studies, one is worried about someone's health and the other is regretting her decision. How about me? I am worried about them. The things that they said to me made me think that I should also worry about my studies and my performance in my company because I'm not doing well. It's like I'm a mediocre and a walking failure. So, today I said to myself that I have to aim high and that I have to do my best in everything not just in some things.

Missing soccer...

It's been years since I last played soccer. If I can remember it right, the last time I played was after my college graduation. I convinced my mom to allow me to go back to Dumaguete to process my school documents but at the back of my mind, the real reason that I went back was because I wanted to play soccer. I think leaving Dumaguete particulary Silliman is one my lowest point in life. I just really love that place and the people. I feel so comfortable and happy just thinking of the memories I have way back high school then college especially the time when I was in the field playing with my team mates.

Soccer...my favorite sport. I started playing it when I was in high school. It was just for fun, no pressure at all. Our coach treated us like babies. The real game started when I played soccer in college. I stopped playing when I was in my freshmen and sophomore years in college due to my course and also due to some personal reasons. I was in my junior year in college when I went back playing. Our coach taught me a lot of things--not just playing the game but building my character. I think, I've been more patient, considerate and persevere person because of soccer. Remembering the trainings and scolding that we've got from our coach makes me say that it is worth it. If I were to do one thing in my life all over again, I would like to play soccer again. It's the only thing that I can remember doing where I gave my 100%. Though, I was not so good in playing but at least I gave my everything. Our team standing was not one of the best and was so behind compared to our soccer men varsity but then we were fighters. We lost a lot of games and we won a few but it made me realize that it doesn't really matter if we were not the number one team. What matters most is we worked as a team and we did what we could. For me, it's alright to fail so long as I did my best. As I cruise down my memory lane, I remember that I miss some of my afternoon classes just to practice playing soccer. I could not bear to be absent in our afternoon soccer practices that I rather ditch my classes and my meeting with my friends. I like to smell again the scent of a newly cut grass and spend my afternoon in the field with a soccer ball. I want to experience this kind of thing again. Doing something that I love.


As days passed by, I came to realize that we have to follow our heart for us to find happiness and as I encountered different types of people, I can say that I'm still fortunate because I was able to do the things I want when I still studying in high school and college. Maybe that's why I always say that those were my "golden" years. As for the months and years to come, I will truly try my best to make more wonderful memories and to do the things that makes me happy. I only live once in this earth, I hope that I will be as carefree as I could be.

Single women's valentine's day

February 14th


Valentine's Day...Well, I was so busy. I had to meet different people. I had dates--my cousins and friends. It was still a date, right? Valentines is not just for those people who got lovers, it's for single people out there. It's time to be with our friends and family.


So, here's my valentines...


I spent more than half of my day in school. I had to go to school because of my classes. Oh! It was valentine's day and I was staring in a four walled corners of my room and listening to my professors' discussions. I felt a little bit bad because everybody was already enjoying their day while I was stuck with my classmates and professor discussing reading strategies and syllabus. What a day to spend. Well, I sensed that I'm not the only one who felt that way because I some of my classmates were restless and could not wait to get out of our classrooms. hahaha! Thank god! we didn't have a class in our last course which is grammatical structures...nobody wants to discuss grammar in a day like this, right?


After class, I met my cousins. We had pizza and spaghetti. Oh! I was bloated. We ordered many food and we were only three. We were together for less than three hours since I had to go somewhere. I had to go to my friend's place[Ayka] just to spend time with her and Nancy. She was so busy so we decided to have coffee instead and since I planned to see Weng before midnight together with Nancy, we had to live early because of the heavy traffic. While we were having coffee, we tried to catch each others lives though we didn't have much time to talk about every single details that happened to us. When we were about to meet Weng, we decided to call it off because I was tired and so is she. I think, I've been all over metro Manila that day. Though, my meeting with Weng was not push through, I still decided to go home early because I was too scared to commute from Quezon city to Alabang alone in the middle of the night. I'm a little bit skittish now because I was harassed months ago. It's just that I don't want to have that kind of experience because it makes me angry and hateful.


I arrived around midnight and when I reached my apartment, I'm alone and sometimes I just want it to be that way--alone. No one to talk to. I turned on my dvd and watched something that I already watched months ago.


Then Valentines day was over...that was how I spend my valentines day. I hope that I will be able to spend more time with those people closest to my heart next Valentines. It doesn't matter if you have someone [boyfriend] or not, what matters most is to spend time with those people who are closest to your heart--family and friends. Well, If we're going to be lucky some of the Angels [Ayka, Nancy and I] will have someone next valentines especially Ayka. hahaha! Who knows, love will be knocking on her door..For Nancy and I, maybe years from now..I still love being with myself.


'Till next Valentines...

Flavor of Life by Utada Hikaru

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
the faintly burning pain.
The flavor of life

Neither friends nor lovers, in uncertain terms
like an un-riped fruit dreaming about the day of harvest
because of being unable to just move one more step forward
It’s just so frustrating

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
the faintly burning pain.
The flavor of life

Sweet talk and tasteless conversations.
I have no interest in them
even when things do not go the way I want them
you make me believe that there is still something in life

When asked ‘ whats wrong?’
I answer ‘its nothing’
‘i like you’ instead of ‘i love you’ is more like the person I knew
the flavor of life

The more i wish to believe in you,
For some reason it hurts even more
‘i like you’ instead of ‘i love you’ is more like the person I knew
the flavor of life

I wish I could cherish the white color of the falling snow like I used to
by the time I would remember the scent of the person I’ve nearly forgotten

A future tender and warmer than a diamond
i want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, i want to live it with you
when you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesnt
get undone even after the good bye.
he faintly burning pain.
The flavor of life

another year has come...

I had 5 days vacation because of the holiday. I spent most of my days in Batangas, hanging out with my cousins and of course watching DVD. I went back to Alabang last Saturday because I didn't want to be caught in a traffic in Tagaytay. Anway, I did many things these past few days and one of them was to contemplate and think about the things that I want to do this year and the things I should minimize doing. Here are my random thoughts:

1. I realized that sometimes I take my friends for granted. Blame it to my busy schedule but seriously, I'm glad that they're always there for me. I just need to spend more time with them and let them feel that they are important in my life.

2. I want to have time with myself. I mean, you know going to a spa, dermclinic or salon and maybe shopping. I want to pamper myself so that I will feel that I'm neglecting myself. I will really do my best to look at the mirror and comb my hair even though I'm super duper busy. Of course, I want to be updated in fashion again. I think I was lost last year. Don't know what is in and out.

3. Live a healthy life little by little...I don't think I can get rid all of my bad habits this year so I don't want to promise anything.

4. Travel--I have to go somewhere that I've never been to.

5. Spend less.

These are some of the things that I could think of right now. There are a lot of things going on my mind and one of them is really bad or let's say scary but I'm not yet in the mood to blog it.

It's almost Christmas

Hours from now and it will be Christmas...I think I'm going to stay alone in my apartment or maybe I will go to my Team Leader's house and have a noche buena there. Anyway, I'm not yet decided on what to do this evening.

Christmas, a very important holiday...a season of love, sharing, giving and forgiving. Thinking about the things I've done and the blessings that I've received. I can say that I'm such a lucky person. I have a great family, good friends and a nice job. I don't have many responsibilities. I only look after myself and my family doesn't expect anything from me. I can say, life is so good to me. I didn't really experience hardships like others do but then I think there were times that I just took my blessing for granted. For this Christmas, I would like to wish for other people and for myself--for me to be a better person. hahaha!

Unrequited LOVE

I'm really into drama these past few months and everytime I watch a drama, there is always this person that will love one of the main characters but then it is just a one sided love so she/he will end up hurt. In short, it's unrequited love. I wonder how it really feels to love someone and knowing that someone will never be yours. Just like LITTLE MERMAID, some of us think that the little mermaid and the prince lived happily ever after but then it was not the real story, they did not end up together. The mermaid sacrificed herself because of her love. In reality, these things happen. There were people who were hopeful that there love would be returned but then they just ended up frustrated, hurt and bitter. Some of them are...

Unrequited love is such a melacholy thing. Maybe they're not just meant to be, maybe there is another person waiting for them. There are endless possibilities why these people did not end up with their love ones but then I guess, that's life. We can't get anything we want even though we badly want it, even though our life depends on it...