25th birthday

Last saturday was my birthday. Angels and I had a lunch date which started around 2pm...hahaha! Late lunch already. The day was fine. I could not say that I was ecstatic about it. There were so many things bugging me. Anyway, we had a lunch in a Thai restaurant in Eastwood and since Weng's and my birthday were two days apart, it was like a double celebration. The food was fine and what I liked most was the soup. After lunch, some of my friends had to go somewhere but Weng and I opted to stay. I was not in the mood to really socialize because I didn't want to just burst and say something that I might regret later. As what I had said earlier, there were so many things going on my mind. I'm thankful that I decided to stay in Eastwood with Weng, we were able to talk about things...

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What's going on?

Is it my personality or I'm just a bitchy person? It's been days already. I've been thinking so hard. I thought I'm going to have a wonderful semester break but I think this is worst than coming up with a research paper. I'm having a hard time sleeping and I'm getting restless. Logic tells me that I'm going to make a very bad decision and I don't want to make bad decisions. I already weighted the consequences and the advantages but then the result was a red flag waving unto my face. Then, my other side keeps on telling me that I could hurt other people's feelings if I would follow what my logical side. Well, I'm hurting them already even though they were not telling me what they felt. Such a bitchy person?

As I went over the things that happened, I made several mistakes or let's say many mistakes. One of these is I fully depend on someone. Well, I want to trust someone. I believe that each of us is unique, worth trusting and each of us is flawed. There is no such thing as perfect. Maybe there are things that I'm the only one who can do it but then there are things that I can't do which that person can only do. I believe on this but sometimes it's hard to accept things. I'm not the kind of person who easily accept things. Maybe this happens because there are times that I want things to flow smoothly. It's hard for me to accept mistakes when I could have done better...when that person could have done better because I know he/she can do better. Maybe I expected more...maybe it's just me...

I don't like blaming someone and I'm not blaming anyone because I don't want to make excuses. People blame others just to make excuses Maybe someone made some mistakes but I'm part of this. I should have known better. I bring this to myself and there is nothing I could do but accept things. I think this is one of the hardest part when you know that you will be dammned and because you tried not to hurt someone, you will be dammned also.

One other thing, I'm poor in communication. I am sometimes hesitant to express what I really feel because I might say something or do something that would make matters worst. I'm hot tempered and impatient person. I have known this for a long time and being level headed and being patient are not one of my finest virtues when things are getting chaotic. So, being patient and controlling my temper are not easy thing to do. In fact, it's a real struggle for me. I know that Angels haven't seen me yet being so mad or let's say throwing tantrums--I mean to the highest level. I don't want to be the person when I was younger. Bitchy and cranky. Until now, it's still an amazing thing why my friends way back bear with me. I know that I was not easy to live with.

The best thing that I could do is to settle my feelings and my thinking but it's kind of driving me crazy. I feel like I will end up hating myself for doing what I don't really want to do because I don't do things that I don't want to or they will end up hating me for being a bitchy person and for ruining a trip. I hope I would feel better before this coming Saturday or else I would just ruin everything and maybe ruin something that is so wonderful.